Thank You For Breaking My Heart

Source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/katie-wilhelm/2014/07/thank-you-for-breaking-my-heart/

You were my first love and essentially my everything. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I was putty in your hands because I was so vulnerably in love with you. Loving you made me crazy. Not in a bad way; in a beautiful, earth-shattering way. It made me experience feelings that I didn’t even know were possible. I never knew I could feel so deeply for another person until you came into my life.
And then you broke my heart. You crushed it and left me with scars that will never fully go away. In the beginning, I didn’t think I would be able to make it through the heartbreak. It was the worst pain I’d ever felt. It was like you had driven me out into a desert, told me I was worthless and then drove away, leaving me there to starve and die on my own. I was absolutely terrified. Everything that I knew about my future and myself was shattered. I barely knew who I was anymore. I couldn’t even properly function, reducing myself to a hysterical mess on my couch for three days straight.

Everyone kept saying to me “time heals all wounds.” At first I just couldn’t bring myself to believe them. But after a while, I started to feel like they might be right. I observed many of my friends who had been abruptly been broken up with just like me and they were all doing fine now.

I began to feel to feel a sense of hope that I might be doing fine one day as well. And now I am. It’s still a work in progress and I still feel pain sometimes, but I see the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

So I just want to thank you for breaking my heart. If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t know what it’s like to hit rock bottom and then pick myself up from there. If I didn’t know how it feels to reach my lowest point, I wouldn’t fully understand how strong I am and how much resilience I possess. Thank you for breaking off our relationship because now I know that I am worth so much more than what you were willing to give me. Know I can see what I want in a man and what I don’t want. I will look for someone who truly comprehends how special I am and someone who values me way more than you ever did.
Thank you for crushing me. Now I realize that I had lost myself in you. Now I can focus on getting myself back to the incredible and single person I was before I was even been in a relationship. Thank you for making me see the beauty in this breakdown. There was magnificence and poetry in the pain I experienced. Thank you for helping me explore my artistic outlets. It has given me so much inspiration to pursue my love of the arts.

At the same time, thank you for being my first love. If you had never loved me, I wouldn’t know how beautiful life is. You added so many colors to my world. For the first time in my life, I understood every love song, every smile and every blue sky. Love makes life worth living and without you I would have never known how true that is. This entire heartbreak wouldn’t have hurt so badly if we didn’t love each other so passionately. We didn’t end on bad terms and maybe someday we’ll reunite but for now, I just want to thank you for helping me see the splendor in this cruel world.

So thank you for giving me this remarkable experience of loving and losing. I’ve never felt more emotions in my entire life. I’ve also never felt more accomplished. I think a part of me will always love you. But I know that every part of me will forever feel grateful that you loved me, broke my heart and showed me what I’m really made of. TC

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Anxiety Week: Conquered :)

I would term last week as my “anxiety week”, because everyday there was practically something to be anxious about. Starting Monday, while I was working (will write about it some other time), my seniors were trying to teach me how to do a hypocount. If you don’t know what that is, it is basically this needle-like machine you use to poke the patient’s finger and test her blood sugar level. As someone who was afraid of blood, I definitely didn’t like the sound of it. So I told them I would do it some other time and yup I went home to brood over it the entire night. (ikr im that crazy)

The next day, I had to face my fears, fortunately or unfortunately. I took a deep breath and poked Yiyan’s finger. Apparently her blood didn’t flow too well and it kinda failed, idk why either HAHAHAHA. But okay looking at her blood wasn’t that scary. Then she wanted to poke me. Omg. Before that everyone kept telling me how painful a hypocount was, so I was super scared by that time. When she finally did do a hypocount on me, it wasn’t even painful =.= Guys, im not kidding that thing does not hurt one bit, trust me. Im someone who is really afraid of pain and if I say its not painful, it really isn’t. SO DO YOUR HYPOCOUNT NEXT TIME. 🙂

One event down, on to the next. On Wednesday, I was assigned to a volunteering job with the Lions Befrienders Association Singapore (yes the one who just held its charity show on tv last Sunday). It was my first time visiting this elder, so yeah I was anxious. It turns out that this elder lived in the block just opposite mine, and I have seen her ever since I was young 😀 I guess im really lucky, because she was a friendly senior alright, and she spoke English really well. She is really knowledgeable, and I hope to learn more from her in future^^ The befriender executive who introduced me to her was a really friendly guy too, so I could say im blessed.

By Thursday, I was already freaking nervous about my upcoming interview on Friday. Just a little introduction to my interview: It is the NUS USP interview (u can google it if you really dunno), and they informed me about this interview a week ago. And yes, being me, you can imagine that from the instance I received that invitation, I worried about it every single second. I guess anxiety sometimes helps, because it makes you prepare for things so that you won’t go in unprepared. But lady luck wasn’t on my side. My house wifi broke down on Thursday night and left soooo many errands undone. So I had to complete them and didn’t have time to mentally prepare myself. By Friday, I was choosing between just ponning the interview or going for it. In the end I did go for it (I chose courage over regret!) but Im pretty sure I screwed it up. GUESS WHAT THEY ASKED. They asked me about the history of Physics, Chemistry and Economics. How would I know that HAHAHAHA. Okay it will be a miracle if I get accepted. It was funny how none of the questions I prepared for came out but I was really glad I didn’t pon it. It was really a great learning experience.

During the weekends, my cousin’s friend from Australia came to Singapore for the very first time, and since my cousin is in Australia, she requested for me to bring him around. Being a shy person, I was again anxious about meeting someone new. And worried about whether he would like Singapore, and the places I should bring him. I would say that the weekend turned out well 🙂 On Saturday, we went to Hortpark, sat on the cablecar, explored sentosa, marina bay sands and even the sky park ontop of MBS! He liked the superheroes cafe in Singapore best. Lucky for me, he was a really friendly and not-awkward person so we could get along pretty well. On Sunday, we went to the zoo. The highlight of the day was definitely not the animals, but the dinner that followed our trip. I brought Rachel and Damian (that’s his name) to a famous crab restaurant at Sunshine place, and had really delicious salted egg crab ^^ I would definitely go there again. Over dinner, we chatted about many stuff and I was glad that Rachel was comfortable with Damian’s presence too. We talked about many things that included star signs, singlish, life in Australia and about my cousin. Rachel then told me later that she learnt alot from Damian and that he was a really easy person to talk to.

So yup, that was a summary of my week. I can’t believe I got through all that bullshit and anxiety, my friend, can finally take a break. My anxiety levels, if plotted as a graph, would look something like the wordpress stats chart with really tall graphs every single day in the whole of last week. Chilling out tomorrow morning before I go for work and can finally catch up with preparing my house for CNY! I still cannot believe how I forgot to activate my airshow tickets on the 31st Jan…really wanted to go…T-T

Meanwhile, I hope everyone else is having a great holiday, whether overseas, at work or just chilling out 😀 More about how im spending my holidays in the next blog post!!

 

Kai Lin 🙂